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In preparation for his Bar Mitzvah—the major milestone event that bridges childhood and manhood—each 13-year-old boy of the Jewish faith must focus on a section of the Torah on which to reflect during the ceremony. Brandon, now 14 and a year into manhood, gave his talk on a section from the third book of Leviticus.
"In the second verse of the parsha, I noticed a repetitive sentence," explained Brandon before a synagogue audience of 200 people. "God speaks to Moses saying, "… tell the people ... and tell the people …." I wondered why this repetition occurred in the Torah and I began to learn that God was giving Moses directions for the Jewish people to follow. Because the Jewish people were strong willed, stubborn and 'stiff necked' … Moses, the teacher, needed to be patient. He followed the guidance of God as he continued to direct the Jewish people. Right away, this relationship between God and Moses reminded me of the concept called 'mentoring.'" At the end of his talk, Brandon added, "With the help of all the great and wonderful mentors I have had in my life and with the help of the mitzvot [an obligation], I can shape who I become as an adult."
Brandon is a standout kid, especially for someone who hasn't even reached his 15th birthday. Not only is he bright and insightful, but he is refreshingly forthcoming. He shares his curiosity and wit with joyful abandon, and seems to revel in whatever reciprocation comes his way. But he has not always been so comfortable in his shoes.
When Brandon was five, his father returned to his home country of South Africa. A quintessential boy's boy, according to his mother, Brandon felt the loss of his father with a sharpness that seemed only to increase with time. He started to get in trouble at school, his anger translating into conflicts. When, at eight years old, he had a tangle with a teacher and the police were called, he was given a choice. "You can choose the good road or the bad road," the officer told him.
"That was a scary day," says Linda, Brandon's mother. "But in retrospect, it helped him."
Linda also knows that Brandon's having Joe—his mentor of almost nine years—has also helped him choose the good road and to grow into the "nice teenage kid" that he is.
Early on, Linda was particularly sensitive to Brandon's need for a constant, safe male role model; she had insight that many other mothers—even the best, most attuned mothers—might not have had. A registered nurse, Linda has worked with girls at high risk for teen pregnancy, most of whom did not have a father figure. More importantly, though, her own father was a Holocaust survivor, whose mother was taken away when he was six and who then lost his father, at the age of 14, only one small day before the concentration camp, where they had both been imprisoned, was liberated. "I was raised knowing what had happened to my father and it haunted me," she said. "My father didn't really know or remember his mother or father, a void that defined him in many ways."
Joe knew Brandon before he became his mentor. Before changing careers, Joe had been a social worker, serving as case manager at the Jewish Family and Children's Service of Minneapolis Big Brothers Big Sisters Program (JFCS). "Brandon had been on the waiting list so when I left my job, and there was no longer a conflict of interest, I told Linda and Bobbie, the program coordinator at JFCS, that I wanted to be a mentor to Brandon," says Joe. "I felt a strong connection to him. He was a sweet kid and I knew that his father had left."
Linda was thrilled. "I'll never forget the day Joe called. I mean, here's a guy who worked for the mentoring program, who wrote the guidebooks for other mentors and worked with them and he chose Brandon," says Linda. "Not only did I know he would introduce Brandon to sports and do other fun 'guy' stuff with him, but I knew that Joe was perceptive and kind. He also understood the consequences of abandonment and I knew he would help Brandon with those issues."
Joe isn't the sort of guy to tell others what to do; and he's the first to admit that he is mellow by nature. "I never tried to be a father figure to Brandon. I have stayed away from that. In the JFCS program, the Bigs who tried to be parental, well, it was always counterproductive," he says. "I try to be a friend and role model, but mostly I just do stuff with Brandon. That's what we'd tell the Bigs: just do stuff with the kids, enjoy time together." And for Joe—and Brandon—that hasn't taken much effort. If they aren't camping or playing tennis together, they're at his house watching sports, making snacks, and leaping up screaming with no-holds-barred enthusiasm when the Vikings or the Jayhawks (University of Kansas) strut their best stuff.
That said, Joe is steady beyond words. He has always been there for Brandon, even through all the changes he himself has gone through in the last several years—marriage, fatherhood, a new house, a new job. In fact, Brandon is so comfortable with Joe that the first thing he often does when arriving at Joe's house is to open the refrigerator door and check out the contents.
"I think it's been really healthy for Brandon to watch Joe change and reinvent himself," says Linda. "He sees that Joe is human and I think Brandon will probably reflect on that later, when he is older and growing into himself."
Bobbie has a keen perspective on Joe and his relationship with Brandon. "Joe and Brandon personify the goal of JFCS—creating an unconditional friendship that has lifetime potential. Joe is a truly reflective listener, which is critical—a quality that helps Brandon process his challenges. The two of them have evolved and grown to see the world through new eyes"
"One of the best times I had with Joe was last summer when we went camping," says Brandon. The pair went to Canada for five days with some of Joe's friends and their kids to hike and fish and enjoy each other under a summer sky. "We caught lots of walleye and northern pike and Joe taught me how to cut and clean them. It was gross, but I'd do it again."
Joe smiles when he remembers that trip, too. "Brandon caught so many fish, he could barely hold up the string. He was definitely in his element."
Wielding ping pong paddles, gutting fish, or rooting on their home teams is not all Joe and Brandon have done together. They have also shared some serious, milestone moments. Brandon honored Joe and his wife, Stacey, with an aliyah (a special honorary prayer) during his Bar Mitzvah, and Brandon was one of Joe's groomsmen during his wedding. "He stood right up there in a tux with my buddies," says Joe.
"Brandon is a great kid. He's funny and he's fun to hang out with. He's a nice person," says Joe, when asked about the changes he has seen in Brandon during the last eight years. "He doesn't need to try to make other people like him. I think he feels centered and secure in himself—as much as you can when you're a 14-year-old boy."
Brandon has also seen changes in Joe, especially since he has become a father. "I've sort of been his kid," says Brandon. "Now he knows how to raise his baby."
During quieter moments, when Linda looks at her son and remembers him as a baby, a toddler, then a little boy—the feel of his tiny starfish hand folded into hers—she wonders where time has gone. Here he is, a teenager, approaching the threshold of adulthood and the open, disorienting, lovely moments that accompany that journey. "I tell him I know he didn't have his dad most of the time, but that he has had some strong men in his life and he can draw from himself and from all of us who love him to become the kind of person he wants to be."
To share your mentor-mentee success stories with us, contact Bruce Holmes, 703.224.2244.
